Padre Laite's Diary - Mock Broadcast

Introduction: Imagine yourself back at home. You settle down in the old easy chair, light your pipe, and then one of the family turns on the radio. You hear something like this.

"lst announcer. This is C.K.V. Winnipeg, your announcer Tommy Benson.
We now join the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

2nd announcer. This is the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Now comes our Wednesday night exchange programme with the National Broadcasting Co. We now turn you over to New York.

3rd announcer. (Tone beats) The National Broadcasting Co now presents - Sung in chorus - R.I.C.C.O. (pun on rice) Wan Dilson. The Ricco programme starring Jack Lenny and Jerry Sivington. The band opens with Sweet Sue (after a few bars the band tones down while Wan says) Have you that general down in the dumps feeling, that worn out look, no pip or vitality, housemaid's knee, Beri-beri? Do you need a general lift up? Then try a nice big bowl of Ricco guaranteed to make the toughest C.S.M. (Co Sgt Major) smile. Get it today at your grocers, ask for it by name. Look for the big green stripe on the bag - Ricco! (Band finishes number)

Wan: We now bring to you those two gentleman adventurers, those two dashing brummells, those rogues of laughter, the $1.30 a day Lenny and Sivington.

Leny: Thank you, thank you, Wan Dilson. That reminds me - Sivington - take a letter.

Sivington: I can't. I can't get out. You can't be on "attend B" and get out on scrounge parties too.

Lenny: Quiet dope! We are on the air.

Siv: I thought this was only a practice.

Lenny: It's not, but you sure need plenty.

Siv: Yeah, and so do they. They haven't laughed yet.

Lenny: Who was that gentleman I saw you walking with last night?

Siv: That was no gentleman. That was the R.S.M. (Reg't Sgt Major)

Lenny: Which reminds me. Did you hear the story of the two old tightwads who went into the corner store, slapped down a yen and asked for a couple of decks (cigarettes), or, I mean put down a buck (dollar) and asked for some fags?

Siv: Then what?

Len: When the change came back, one fellow says to the other fellow - this is good, you'll die laughing.

Siv: Go on! Go on! don't stop now. What happened next?

Len: Gee! I forget.

Siv: With a memory like yours you should go to night school.

Len: Why, I am. I'm taking up bookkeeping.

Siv: Is that so? How are you making out?

Len: Fine. I've got three books already but I don't think I'll get any more.

Siv: Why?

Len: It takes too long.

Siv: What do you mean?

Len. Well, the teacher's forty-five and he's not finished yet.

Siv: He;ll probably be a lot older before you're finished the class. What you need is a mental examination.

Len: I've had one. They found my mind "A".

Siv: A what? A blank? Say, I hear you met a nice girl at your school dance.

Len: Yes, Rosilda Gilthorpe by name. An actress, you know. She took the lead in "The Villain Foiled", that famous play which originated in Hong Kong.

Siv: But hasn't she a boy friend? I thought she was engaged to Throckmorton Fotheringham.

Len: Doesn't mean a thing; for a couple of smokes the old man get him out of the way and the rest is a cinch. Besides, she's a sensible girl and has eaten nothing but Ricco for the last five months and has it ever given her a slim figure.

Siv: What do you think it has done to me?

Len: I say! Is that Wan Dilson coming along with a couple of bowls of Ricco?

Siv: It sure is, and there's sweet sauce too.

Wan: Ricco now presents the weekly newscast (fanfare). Headlines in the news brought to your home at this time each week, through the courtesy of the Associated Press news.

Winnipeg, Man.: The Winnipeg rowing club is practising strenuously for the summer regatta. It is reported that their only threat is the guard on the North Pt Camp H.K. who practice daily in the swimming pool outside the camp.

Berlin, Germany: Prosperity is returning once more to the barber industry. Hitler had his first hair cut yesterday. The scoop of the evening, and speaking of scoops - why not try a scoop of Ricco right now? Back to the news - we are now bringing you our German news correspondent, Herr Less, who brings you up to date on inside Germany by giving you word for word, Hitler's latest special to his storm troopers.

Herr Less: (Spoken with a rolling gutteral accent) Herr Storm troopers. Our heroes of the great German army, it gives me much pleasure to be able to congratulate such a great body of men, on our recent victories in the Leningrad sector, but there is one thing I want to warn you about. Watch very closely when you are firing on enemy planes that fly over here. One of these days we may send up a couple of our own planes. Our secret services overseas, warn us that the British Navy will be strengthened by the shipping powers of the Winnipeg Canoe Club. Do not worry, my heroes, for both our submarines will soon be ready to taken to the sea. "Guten Nicht."

Rome, Italy: Activities on all fronts are virtually at a standstill this afternoon. The reason being Mussolini got himself all tied up in his supper spaghetti. Detectives are now trying to unravel the problem.

Paris, France: The Vichy and Free French governments are still deadlocked over the vital wine question - reports our correspondent. When asked where he received this information, he reported that he picked it up at the Folies Bergere, where the bare facts are always presented.

Flash. Through the courtesy of the Jap Gov't (who claim their P.O.W. are all well fed), and the N.B.C., Ricco brings you a personal interview with an inmate of North Pt Camp, Hong Kong. We are now bringing you none other than Beri Beri Hardy.

Hardy: (Cockney accent) Hello Muvver! Coo, lumme but it's hot! I'm having a lovely time here. I only have to do two parades a day because I have Dobie's and don't do P.T. I sleep all day. It's a lovely life. How's Pop and Sis? The food is real good here, or all our officers say so anyhow. How's my dog? I've got a swell sunburn. I made a pair of wooden shoes. Gee! I wish they'd give us more rice. We only eat three times a day here. If I'm here long enough I'll have a mustache. Our Q.Master has a dandy. How are you, Muvver? They issued us with a towel and toilet paper. I haven't used the towel yet. Hopin' you are the same. Give my love to Jean, and tell her I'm being true to her. Bye.

Our final bulletin comes from Berlin, Germany. Adolph Hitler underwent a serious operation on his eye today. The accident occurred while he was seriously scanning the Heavens for British bombers. A bird flying directly overhead and practising bombing, score a direct hit, or in this case, a bull's eye. Hitler is said to be reorganising his A.A. batteries in order to cope with this new menace.

Wan. This winds up our Newscast. Listen in again to the Ricco programme, next week at the same time for more up to date news. Ricco now presents its weekly guest artist. This week we have with us none other than the dumb pianist, Tony Semple, who will play a medley of Irish Airs.

Wan: (After pianist finishes). We now present our weekly drama, brought to you through the courtesy of the Ricco Theatre Guild. Our play this week is based on the great historical event - "The discovery of America".
(Orchestra plays a few bars of Columbus). Scene, opens with Columbus in conference with the Royalty of Spain, over the raising of the money. The King speaks.

King: So you are convinced the world is round, Chris? If it is why don't we all fall off?

Chris: Because of the force of gravy, but we won't go into that now. I'm here to raise enough ducats so I can equip the Santa Maria with new diesels, and a new anti-magnetic cable so I can reach America.

King: How much to you need?

Chris: Well, I could get the diesel at Eatons on my D.A., and pick up the cable at Kresges. I guess a grand will be enough.

King: Nix! I ain't spending my dough at those firms. The deal's off.

Chris: Aw, Ferdy, give me a break. I've got to discover America, this year or history will be all wrong.

King: I never look at history. Deal's off.

Chris: Well, how about you Isobel. If you could coax the old man into forking over, maybe I could bring back enough skins for a mink coat.

Isobel: Well, I don't know how I can raise a thousand dollars unless you can pawn these pearls. They should be worth a grand.

Chris: That's a deal, babe. Gimme the pearls now, and I'll come back tonight and let you now how I made out.

Isobel: Oh my! Ferde! Isn't he just wonderful?

King: Scrawny looking wretch, looks like a con man to me. Why those pearls were the best thing I could buy at Woolworths. Just wait till he gets back from America.
    (Orchestra plays a few bars of Columbia)

Wan: Scene two opens on the deck of the Santa Maria. Columbus, like the true sailor he is, walks up and down, attending the management of his boat. Columbus calls his first mate.

Chris: Mr. Bush! Mr. Bush! Mr. Bush!

Bush: Did you call me, Sir?

Chris: Of course I called you. If you spent more time on the deck of this boat, instead of hanging around the Ration store, we would be able to get a lot more done around here. I want the boat thoroughly scrubbed and cleaned. We dock at Manhattan Pier, 3:30 this afternoon. See that that infernal racket is stopped at once. I told Mr. Porteous (A.O.S.) once before, there would be no trombone practicing on this boat. And while you are at it wake up P.O. Pigot, and tell him to get shaved, and his moustache trimmed, in preparation for this afternoon. Now off yo go and make a good job, as the commodore himself will likely inspect the ship.

Bush: Aye, aye, Sir.

Chris: Boy!

Boy: Sir!

Chris: Get up there, and clean the birds' dirt off the poop deck.

Boy: Aye, Aye, Sir, Anything else?

Chris: Yes, when you have finished with the poop deck, go and see if there are any eggs in the crow's nest, but first bring me my sextant. I'm going to shoot the sun.

Boy: Shoot the sun! Coo, we've been too long on the trip.
    (Orchestra plays few bars of Columbus)

Wan: Scene three opens as the Santa Maria docks at Manhattan Pier. Columbus steps forward to be received by the welcoming committee (Orchestra plays). The mayor speaks.

Mayor: Right on time, eh, Chris? We sure been waiting a long time to be discovered by you.

Chris: It's nice to see you, LaGuardia. Say, who won the world series?

Mayor: The Yankees.

Chris: Yippee! I won five pence.

Mayor: By the way, I want you to meet some of the reception committee. Here we have Chief Pontiac.

Chris: Hi Chief! I sure admire those cars you are turning out. I had one myself. That 1489 model sure was a dandy.

Mayor: Now meet Mae West, one of our stars from Hollywood.

Mae: Hello, Chris, old boy. So you've been to sea for six weeks have you? Why doncha come up and see me some time, when you've nothing on?

Chris: Will I! After six weeks! Wow!

Mayor: Now meet our chief of police.

Chief: Stand still Columbus, old boy. Hold your head up! Say! This crew of yours could do with a bit of straightening up. What say if we take in the town tonight?

Chris: Just a minute while I give my crew some instructions. Listen, boys. You can all have Reveille passes tonight, but stay out of the night clubs. If you go over to Coney Island, stay off the Roller Coaster. The blue light will be in the same place on the foredeck. Now off you go and have a good time. See P.O. Piggott for all your requirements.

Chief: Well, Chris, what say we start the evening off right before drinking, and have a bowl of Ricco and beef stew?

Chris: I cannot think of a better way to start the evening.

Wan: Neither can I. Ladies and gentlemen of our radio audience, why not try a bowl right now. Columbus not only discovered America, but he made another great discovery in Ricco. The best all round food on the market. Why not make the same discovery yourselves? Try Ricco, get some today at your dealers. Look for the big green stripe on the bag - Ricco - (Orchestra plays few bars). We're late folks. Good night.

1st Announcer: This is the N.B. Co. We now turn you over to your local stations.

2nd Announcer: This is the C.B.C. Stand by for your station announcements.

3rd Announcer: Your station C.K.V. Winnnipeg. At the sound of the gong, it will be 12 o'clock midnight. We are signing off now, but will be back in the morning at 7:30 with our "Why go sick?" programme. Good night folks.