National NEWSLETTER - Web Edition

September 2006

Page 10

A Little Humour

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a Self-Serve gas station in a remote outpost.
The pump attendant, obviously knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner, completely unaware of whom the golfing pro is.
"How's she cuttin' bye?" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" Asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
”Well, what on God's earth are dey for?" inquires the attendant.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Holy Jaysus", says the Newfoundlander, "Ford tinks of everyting!"

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says that he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the
clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where", he asked? "Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat. His wife says, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new little blue pills."
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He said," Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot."

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in
France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. “the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”