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A Little Humour

Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........

Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story   and she was totally buying it I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally   complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.   Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking myself when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

*  *  *  *  *

An elephant was drinking at a watering hole when a turtle approached. The elephant looked at the turtle for a minute, then kicked it. The turtle flew several hundred feet. A nearby zebra asked, "Why did you kick the turtle?" "That turtle bit my foot 20 years ago,” the elephant replied. “That was payback." "How do you know it was the same turtle?" Said the elephant, "I have turtle recall."

Randy, the painter, often thinned his paint to make it go further. The Baptist Church decided to restore its biggest building. Randy put in a low bid and got the job. He bought the paint, and, yes, thinned it with turpentine. Well, Randy was painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a clap of thunder. The sky opened, and the rain poured down. It washed the thinned paint off the church. Randy fell from the scaffold, landing among the gravestones. He was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty. Randy raised his voice to the heavens, crying, "Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from above, a mighty voice roared: “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Bathtub test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

(Did you pass, or do you want the bed next to mine?)

New computer development - Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.  This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock.  "I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night ...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!"  "And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires.
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white .... "

Joe's will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.  As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

"How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."

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